West Virginia family communications expert shares Thanksgiving conflict tips

CHARLESTON, W.Va. — With Thanksgiving approaching, a West Virginia family communications expert says the stress that builds long before the holiday can set the stage for arguments at the dinner table, but there are effective ways to keep gatherings calm, meaningful, and focused on connection.

Jessica Troilo, associate professor and associate dean for research, engagement, and faculty affairs in the WVU College of Applied Human Sciences, said tensions often begin weeks in advance as people anticipate difficult conversations or uncomfortable reunions with relatives.

That anxiety, she said, can lead people to rehearse arguments, arrive feeling defensive, and react more quickly when stress peaks.

“For Thanksgiving guests as well as hosts, it’s tiring before it begins,” Troilo said. “Travel, crowded airports, disrupted routine, and lack of sleep wear us down, and our patience for family drama runs thin. Once we’re stressed, we can enter fight-or-flight mode, becoming quick to argue, shut down, or take things personally.”

Alcohol can intensify the problem, she said, lowering inhibitions and causing comments that might otherwise stay unspoken to slip out. While political debates tend to grab headlines, Troilo noted that families are just as likely to clash over parenting, religion, finances, or long-standing disagreements.

“Unless you’re living in a Hallmark holiday movie, some tension is almost guaranteed,” she said.

Thanksgiving family conflict tips from a WVU expert

Troilo offered several strategies to help families navigate stress and avoid escalation:

• Be realistic. The picture-perfect holiday seen in movies and on social media rarely exists, she said. Allow room for imperfection — whether it’s burnt rolls or a messy house.

• Know your triggers. Recognizing physical signs of stress, such as a racing heartbeat or stomach tension, can help guests pause, breathe, and respond intentionally.

• Set boundaries politely. Simple phrases like “Let’s change the subject” or “I’d rather not talk about that right now” can defuse tension without creating conflict.

• Host with intention. Seating arrangements, gratitude activities, group walks, games, and shared tasks can redirect energy and prevent old disputes from resurfacing.

Troilo said family roles from childhood often re-emerge around the holidays, placing people back into patterns they thought they’d outgrown. “A look, a comment, or even silence can bring old tensions back,” she noted, especially for relatives who have not spoken in years.

Thanksgiving is a major travel holiday in West Virginia, which is known for its homecomings. West Virginia Turnpike alone recorded more than 754,000 toll transactions during the six-day Thanksgiving travel window in 2024.

In the same season, AAA estimated that more than 370,000 West Virginians would travel for the holiday, further underscoring the volume of regional movement. While those numbers do not isolate travelers entering the state, they demonstrate that Thanksgiving is one of West Virginia’s most active travel periods, with significant visitor and resident mobility.

West Virginia’s historic role in America’s Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving has a unique legacy in West Virginia. The state observed the holiday before it became a national tradition, thanks to a proclamation issued in 1861 by Francis H. Pierpont, governor of the Union-loyal Restored Government of Virginia at Wheeling.

Amid the Civil War and widespread suffering, Pierpont called for a day of gratitude on Nov. 28, 1861 — two years before Abraham Lincoln declared a national Thanksgiving in 1863. Newspapers in Wheeling and Parkersburg praised the proclamation, encouraging families to pause from the turmoil and acknowledge whatever blessings remained.

Historians note that the tradition took strong root in the region and became an early touchstone of community identity, especially during the formation of what would become the state of West Virginia in 1863.

More than 160 years later, Troilo said the original spirit behind Pierpont’s message still applies.

“Give yourself and your family permission to be imperfect,” she said. “Burnt rolls and all, Thanksgiving is really about being together.”